A More Optimistic View of Online Dating
Wednesday, August 12, 2009 by Elise
While I only understand the reasons why people pursue online relationships in very superficial terms, I believe there are in fact valid and valuable reasons why the concept of online dating does work for some. I want to argue that while online dating does often appear to be based on superficial or false identities, especially in relation to attractiveness, in fact once the parties get past that first ‘profile image’, their relationship is actually stimulated by common interests, similarities in life, goals, and dreams, and mutual self-disclosure. This means that in some cases, the pressure to be physically attractive to prospective partners is actually lessened because the attraction, or lust, is based on conversation, personality, and common interests. Also, online intimacy and dating means that both parties have greater control over their personal physical space (i.e. when to meet in person), and so gives control over physical and emotional boundaries. Luke mentioned Zigmunt Bauman in the lecture, and he argues that virtual spaces are a good way to manage or negotiate emotional distance. I think that online dating sites can actually give greater control to each party than meeting someone drunk at a bar; first impressions, conversation, and probably physical attractiveness are lessened at that time anyway! While levels of deception of course can be amplified anywhere on the internet, it is my personal opinion that people who are really serious about finding potential relationship partners will keep the levels of fantasy to a minimum – it is impossible to strike up a physical relationship based on mutual trust and respect in the ‘real world’ if is patently obvious that one person has drastically lied. While I agree that online dating is identity ‘branding’, I also think that there is a more optimistic view in which people who are serious about online dating try to stay as natural and ‘real’ as possible in order to find romantic partners. While there is always danger in meeting people from the internet, I think that we can look at it as giving greater levels of safety as well, if used properly.
It's good to hear a level-headed counter to some of the skepticism (my own included!) about intimacy online. Just one small thing - whilst I was indeed drawing on Bauman to suggest that electronic networks can be a way to manage (and maintain) distance, for Bauman this is not such a good thing: he's pretty scathing about 'virtual relationships'.
Yes I know. I was just twisting his words to try and show how emotional distance can be read as 'false' or 'negative' (a la Bauman), or as a source of empowerment for some online daters. I probably should have elaborated on that :)
I think that's a good argument. Without wanting to overanalyse Bauman too much, I think he's probably less perturbed by the idea that in our everyday relationships we always need to negotiate levels of distance / closeness (whether physical or emotional) than the idea that we might get the illusion that we can use technology as a kind of (cold, clinical) 'instrument' to control this. He's a bit of a depressing read at times but also I think good at reminding us of the value of 'messiness' in human life.